A Change of Seasons
The windmill on the family farm
Somehow it is appropriate that on the first day of Autumn I am taking a very typical first step in the Autumn of Life, as I have an appointment with my real estate agent to scout out some places nearby for my parents. Mom and Dad still live on their farm, but they are long past the time of life where keeping up a big house and a 2-acre lawn is reasonable. They’ve known it down deep inside for the past ten years, but have done a good job ignoring it. My son and I (and our spouses) can only do so much from a distance, and after several in-depth discussions with them, my parents have asked for proposals for solutions from us. Today is a fact-finding foray. It is not a guarantee of the outcome, as there are a great many variables to deal with. But it is the official first step.
The picture above is of the windmill on the farm against an autumn sky. My parents have lived there for over fifty-six years, in marked contrast to how their own parents lived, which was moving from place to place according to economic necessity. They sunk their roots into that farm and that house and they are not going to transplant willingly. The only thing that would make them budge is looking out for the other’s welfare, as Dad can no longer drive and Mom is increasingly nervous about driving in less than ideal conditions, which is about 60 percent of the time; out in the country driving is imperative. Apart from that I can think of a thousand reasons why they should stay put, from their point of view.
How do you uproot a 56-year way of life? Dealing with their stuff alone will be a formidable task, and in this depressed economy it would not bring its value in a sale, which would be like adding insult to injury. They would have to change doctors, church, grocery and drug stores, and say goodbye to friends and neighbors. Their closest neighbor, who is ten years my senior, is practically an adopted son. They wouldn’t be able to watch the crops being planted in the spring and harvested in the fall, in the fields which surround their house. It’s their nest. It’s a nice clean nest with too much stuff, but the stuff is neatly organized. It’s a nest with too big of a yard and too many outbuildings, but they’ve kept it up. Unfortunately it’s also a nest too far away from everything they need to get at.
I’ve seen in other elderly people a sort of lack of surprise and shock at new things, because they’ve lived long enough to have seen it all. The biggest thing to worry about is the depression that can follow resignation. I have to proceed on the assumption that both Mom and Dad are possessed of enough resilience to make the best of things and to quite possibly get some enjoyment out of the changes to come. Lord knows they’ve both surprised me before!
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Minimalist Photographer
Meg, I’m living this right now so if you need a sanity pal along the way, I’m your girl
Dad’s moving to an apartment in town from the farm he’s called home for 83 years (born there). Mom’s in a nursing home (still mobile and mentally sharp) but almost all of her things remained at the farm when she moved to the home a few years back.
The amount of things to do can seem insurmountable but like anything else, if we just take it one step at a time, it works out. Or so I keep telling myself
Wishing the best to you and your folks!
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Jean you are on! We are at the very early stages of the game, but I predict it will all happen in the spring and it will get crazy all at once. I really feel for you and am amazed at how you keep your blogging going while so many other things are going on in your life. Many thanks, friend.
Meg, I went through this about ten years ago with my in-laws. They had lived in the same house for about forty years, and it showed. My father-in-law was a mechanic, so the 1.5 acre lot was littered with old vehicles that he still planned to work on..someday. My mother-in-law was an artist with tons of painting supplies, and she rarely discarded anything that had sentimental value.
When it became obvious that they couldn’t continue to live alone (FIL had borderline Alzheimers, was getting lost, and finally crashed the car), we made arrangements to help them move into a retirement center just a block away from our house. It’s a place where I had done volunteer work, so I was very comfortable recommending it to them. My MIL was excited about it and ready to move, but my FIL was much less enthusiastic. However, he knew it was the right decision, and he wanted my MIL to be happy–still, it was heartbreaking to see his face when we had to sell all his tools and woodworking equipment. We sold the property to pay for their condo at the retirement center, so we had to dispose of all the old vehicles as well as the typical household stuff. It was a major undertaking, but fortunately we knew people who knew people….
Both my in-laws have passed away since then, but we were fortunate to have them close-by in their final years so that we could visit often. The exercise that we went through in trying to downsize their belongings from a 1.5 acre house/lot to a two-bedroom condo was the starting point of my own efforts to minimize my possessions. Unfortunately, my hubby seems to have inherited his parents’ tendency to hold on to “stuff”–I’m hoping that I can help him to loosen his grip on much of his material goods before we’re in a situation similar to his parents.
Good luck on your journey!
Suzanne, I’m with you on getting possessions minimized right now. Once the kids are grown, it’s time to travel light, I think. Looked at a couple of 2-bedroom condos today and was impressed by how much closet space they had, but we know how quickly those can fill up. You’ve had tons of experience, that is clear, and I bet you could write a book about it!
Meg, I was just talking about this very subject with my TA this afternoon as she is in the process of helping a family member in transition. My parents cleaned out two parents’ homes in four months as my grandparents all stayed in their homes until they passed away, one of them for 53 years. At the end, my mom promised us we’d not have to go through that process with their possessions and they did a great job of decluttering and keeping things to a reaonable amount. Nevertheless, we in turn had homes to clear and sell too. Now I’ve made the same promise to my children and that promise is one thing that keeps me keeping on to declutter and minimalize. (The three generations of photos to sort and scan is a job I’m not happily anticipating!)
When it became obvious that my father needed more care than he was able to give himself, he made the decisions and we helped him execute them. Truly, I was fortunate that the process only took a few months instead of years and when my dad was situated in the care home of his choice, I could see the relief it was for him to be able to let go of some of the responsibilities. It was a good choice.
You might benefit from reading the book “Rightsizing Your Life” by CJ Ware. In the short book she offers options and ideas and indeed comfort for the process of reevaluting your housing needs. Perhaps you’ll find in there some insight, help and encouragement for working through this process with your parents.
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Willow, I will get hold of “Rightsizing Your Life” and give it a go. Maybe it will help me help my parents. You and I are on the same page when it comes to our own stuff. As a matter of fact, this year’s personal goals were to finish an ebook and to finish going through some last boxes of stuff so that I leave behind good things and not endless boxes of whatnot. Thanks so much for the suggestion
Hi Meg,
As usual I loved this post. I’ve watched my parents go through similar situations with my grandparents, and it is never easy but always seems to work out ok. Please keep us all posted with your family’s progress. I’m sure that your kindness and concern will help the process tremendously.
Dena
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Thanks,Dena. Now that I can stop promoting the damn ebook I can return to my regularly scheduled sort of writing. It just feels better, you know
Like we say in french “j’ai une boule dans la gorge…” meaning “this post almost made me cry…”
I’ve been raised on a farm with my GP and when they had to sell the land, and the house (which was in the family for over 100 years), their possessions including their furnitures, the cattle, … they were in shock. A museum came to buy my GM antiques and she was just nodding her head to whatever the guy was saying, just wondering what in the world was going on in her house? They both couldn’t accept the fact that they were too old to stay in the country by themselves.
They moved to town with us and my GF died a few months later. He was just bored, had nothing to do and decided to let go… I often think about them and wonder what their lives might have been like if they had stayed at the farm. Probably a difficult and lonely life because, except for me and my mom and an aunt, nobody in the family was taking care of them…
Your support, your kindness, your empathy will certainly make things a little bit smoother for them. It is difficult to see our parents grow old; we needed them when we were young, they need us now.
Good luck,
Martine
Martine, the boredom thing does worry me, but I see it already happening to my Dad, because he can no longer see well enough to drive or read. In fact his driving has been radically curtailed for the past five years. Out in the country this means more isolation that it would be in a town. Dad did 99% of the driving all his life, meaning Mom did very little until now, and she’s crowding 80, so not a good time to take on more driving than you’re used to.
Such a sad story about your grandparents; I don’t think it would have been much happier if they had stayed on the farm, and in fact might have ended worse. I guess we just need to learn how to make the best of a difficult situation, choosing between two unpleasant alternatives.
What an emotional post, Meg. I remember moving hubs’ grandmother to a home years ago. Those of us facilitating the move were very process-oriented and quite methodical in the way we handled the tasks. She was alone, tough, didn’t appear to struggle with letting go, and made it easy for us to assume she was handling everything fine emotionally. It wasn’t until she was completely moved in to the new place that we sensed her melancholy. As a result, we visited more often and did more fun things with her. She made it easy, as least for the grandkids and spouses.
I think it’s beautiful that your mom and dad have each other after all these years.
Hi Belinda–My parents were both the youngest by many years in their families and I am their only child, with only one child of my own, so their experience of this time of life is very different than what their parents and brothers and sisters experienced. They are already pretty melancholy a lot of the time. If they move closer to us the more frequent visits become possible. We’ll see how it all works out.
Can they have build a new smaller house on the farm? Sell the farm to a younger couple who can help them? Work together with someone younger in a life estate situation?
No to all of the questions. The current economy limits a lot of options for them–and for us as well.
hi meg,
what a story. i so wish they could stay there but i totally understand why they can’t. i wish you luck. both my parents have passed away and i watched as their possessions became a few photographs and their clothing. i think going through this is what started me on my journey of simplifying. very nice post.
~janet
Thanks, Janet. I’m not certain how it will all play out, but seeing their difficulty in making changes gave me the incentive to start traveling lighter right now.
Just helped my parents start to clear out their home this past summer. It was a grueling exercise for all involved. They should have right-sized about a decade ago, but oh well, what’s done is done. It’s so difficult in this day and age when families are geographically spread apart. I spend an inordinate time worrying about my parents and hope that by next year they’ll have managed to come to terms with selling their home. I guess there is a reason we’re considered the sandwich generation.
I try to get my parents to view a move as a new adventure rather than the inevitable. Sometimes these things a simply a matter of perspective. It doesn’t always have to be sad.
Hi Fuji–I know what you mean about encouraging them to view a move as a new adventure, but that definitely is not going to happen with my folks. You are right that it doesn’t always have to be sad, and I’ve known many older people who have embraced the change with grace and gusto. Hope to be like that myself when the time comes!
Yes, me too! Hence the relentless focus on less accumulation and remaining “light and agile” as I often tell my husband. It keeps you open to the idea of change, and yes, adventure.
Different generation, different perspective. I wish all our parents a gentle journey through these transactions.