Minimalism and Boundaries
A Caution Tape Rippling in the Wind
Boundaries are the stuff of consciousness, an awareness of I and Not-I, Can and Cannot. Many minimalists have written about the higher consciousness that arises during the process of detaching oneself from excess stuff and busyness. I’ve experienced this myself, and along with being more aware of what I buy and commit to, I’ve also become more aware of a variety of boundaries, both the good and the bad.
The first boundaries involved stuff itself, of course. Even though I had not yet reached the limit of space to keep stuff, there was still an excess of stuff that was difficult to control. This revealed two personal limits: how much stuff I actually needed, and how much stuff I was willing to manage. As time went on and I became accustomed to no recreational shopping, the limit of what I was willing to spend on extras and whims took on a reality it never had before.
Next came awareness of how I spent my time, triggered by awareness of how much shopping I had been doing, and how many projects I would get involved in that really did not have to be done, such as crafts, decorating or cooking complicated meals. This established new time boundaries. Health challenges established new activity boundaries, as well, after reconsidering the kind of gardening or household jobs that were reasonable for me to tackle.
These were all boundaries resulting from minimalism, lines of awareness drawn in the sand to curtail habits and activities which were not in my best interests. These kind of boundaries are good–just ask anyone who has a get-out-of-debt blog!
But then more time passed, and another level of boundaries began to reveal itself as a result of the clearer thinking and self-respect that arose from going through the initial stages of minimalism. Awareness of all the temptations thrown our way by marketers and all the “obligations” thrown our way by social and personal relationships led to rethinking what I would and would not allow into my life. These new boundaries were not ones that held in my worst self, but which shut out what was now actually offensive. The result was embracing what I did enjoy and radically curtailing what I didn’t.
Every action taken with these boundaries in place reinforced my sense of self, of what was me, what was not me, and let me tell you that it has been a source of great happiness and satisfaction. It enabled me to identify what was of value to me and what was not. My ability to assert myself to protect those values has now improved tenfold.
I think a lifetime of being shaped by consumerism and by other peoples’ notions of what is good for me made me far too amorphous and pliable, vulnerable to being sold a bill of goods and yet not sufficiently sure of myself to do the hard things needed to put a stop to it. Now it is easier to recognize when my essential good nature and generosity are being taken advantage of and act accordingly.
It takes a reasonably strong sense of self to form boundaries, to not be amorphous. Some of us have a harder time achieving those boundaries than others, especially if it means risking other important things and relationships. For example, my marriage comes first, and just being clear on that enables me to handle other relationships and activities with integrity.
To this day I am amazed at the chain reaction started by something as simple as coming to terms with my relationship to mere stuff. Now there is another frontier, as it were, as the path reveals previously unknown boundaries that were in place, the bad ones that hold our best selves back. In the clutter and mayhem of wrong stuff and wrong action, it was difficult to achieve right livelihood. There seemed to be so many limits everywhere I turned, so many risks. I specialized in Going Around in Circles.
Knowing one’s right livelihood is elusive for many people, and I suspect it is often caused by avoiding expressing our essential natures, of asserting our boundaries with the people and the world around us. These days I know what I want to write and what I don’t, and I have realistic plans in place. I can even visualize everything I want to be, an ability I had when I was young but which has been sadly trampled flat over the years. Now that I am so much clearer about the boundaries I do want in place, I’ve got the mental and spiritual energy to blow the lid off the ones I don’t want!
How about you? Have any of your boundaries changed after you uncluttered or followed minimalism?
36 Responses to “Minimalism and Boundaries”
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Meg,
This is a fascinating exploration of boundaries. I’m amazed by how clear your perspective is about the process and how much clarity and strength you have developed moving through these stages. I’m more on the amorphous side, but I’m gradually learning how to strengthen my own boundaries too. Reading this made me realize that I don’t have to accept any old thing.
I’m especially interested in this aspect > “Awareness of all the temptations thrown our way by marketers and all the “obligations” thrown our way by social and personal relationships led to rethinking what I would and would not allow into my life. These new boundaries were not ones that held in my worst self, but which shut out what was now actually offensive.” Lately, this has been arising in my life as a blogger. I appreciate your perspective and courage to explore. Thank you!
Sandra / Always Well Within recently posted..Innocence- Purity- and Fun
Thanks, Sandra. It has been interesting to experience this sort of growth while curtailing the growth of shopping and accumulating stuff. Your blogging persona does not seem amorphous to me at all, so I’m intrigued by what you have said! The expression of boundaries, the ones that hold in, the ones that hold out, the ones that are rendered neutral, reminds me of the moves in Tai Chi–do you see that, too?
Meg,
I love the tai chi analogy. I think eastern practices like tai chi and chi gong are excellent ways to get in touch with and develop our boundaries. It’s true, I’m not a wet noodle and I’m glad you’ve noticed that! I’ve experience a great deal of traumatic stress in my life and loss of boundaries is part of that. But it’s never too late to learn to create boundaries and I appreciate the inspiration in this article to that end.
Sandra / Always Well Within recently posted..Confessions of An Aspiring Greenie
I am amazed at what you wrote. I was just telling my daughter that since I have changed my mind about the stuff in my life, there has been a lift in my spirits. I have no goals but just “know” what is next. Such freedom. It is like sheets blowing in the wind smelling of freshness. This is what life tastes like. Excitement, anticipation and just pure joy. I like what you said about putting your marriage first. I used to feel that way but then my husband up and died so now I have to put myself first – for the first time in my life since I was young and looked forward to being just me. I am going to print your piece and put it in my tickler file so I can read it every so often – just to keep it in mind. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Jean, I am humbled and flattered all at once
Another blogger, Raam Dev, recently posted something I think you might connect with if you haven’t read it already, called The Circle of Life: http://goo.gl/qzzYV
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Thank you for this thoughtful post, Meg! Since simplifying and streamlining my physical possessions, I’ve become more aware of the need for space in my physical schedule and emotional life. That need has helped me to say no to more and yes to less. I love this quote by Anne Morrow Lindberg:
“For it is only framed in space that beauty blossoms. Only in space are events and objects and people unique and significant – and therefore beautiful. A tree has significance if one sees it against the empty face of sky. A note in music gains significance from the silences on either side. A candle flowers in the space of night. Even small and casual things take on significance if they are washed in space….”
Hi Caroline–there is a lot in that poetic quote, and thanks for posting it. Any time I start to feel that things are blah, I take a closer look and often find that there is mental or physical clutter involved. Not always, of course, but often enough to make it a rule!
Beautifully written Meg.
I too have found this minimalist journey has allowed me to explore my boundaries and be firm with them.I am grateful to have found this way of life.
Thanks, Jennifer–it’s also good to know that others have experienced this, as well.
Yes! As minimalism became more pervasive (in a good way) in my life, I began to examine other issues, such as boundaries, or lack thereof. Minimalism triggered a life change for me; I realized that I didn’t have to find “things” important just because others did, but more importantly, I could throw out old emotional and mental constraints also. I’ve been stuck in the classical oldest child syndrome my whole life, yes to everything, responsible to everyone. Beautiful post, Meg.
Terra@TheSimplePoppy recently posted..Mea Culpa
Hi Terra–I’m an only child; that syndrome includes manifesting parental expectations, along with the sense of being under a microscope, pinned in a glass slide. At some point it has to stop, doesn’t it? Thanks so much for being one of my readers and for your comment
I’m the youngest of four, and there are expectations that go along with that, too. Because my siblings didn’t do the things that were expected of them, I’ve had ways of seeing things drummed into my head that I am only now paying the price for, i.e., the wrong kind of boundaries. Exploring minimalism has helped me to learn to turn my thinking upside down.
Wow, I just love how it’s helping anyone who’s had a hard time developing their own individual boundaries instead of just passively accepting the will of anyone or anything that speaks with the voice of authority long after we ought to speak with our own voice of authority. This means not only parents, but marketers, social peers, etc. Thanks for chiming in
Boundaries are a big issue with me. . . growing up with an alcoholic father, I was confused about boundaries. Leaving a 26 year marriage where boundaries were all over the map, I’ve remarried and boundaries were set and discussed early on. Being a mom of a teenage son, we often talk about boundaries . . . they’re often some of our most interesting discussions.
I had to learn to set firm boundaries. The best advice I’ve ever received was from a therapist I saw before I left my first husband. She told me that my ‘barometer’ was off, I had no idea what ‘normal’ was. My goal was to re-set my ‘barometer’. I learned to recognize abuse and as a result, learned to be clear about my boundaries. I no longer tolerated abuse in my life. Resetting my ‘barometer’ has taught me that it’s not OK to be treated anything less than stellar by anyone, ever. Abusive people don’t tell you their boundaries nor do they give yours any credence. That’s what gives them the power to abuse.
Establishing boundaries is key in healthy relationships.
Beach Mama recently posted..Scenes From 2011 Salmon Creek Artwalk
Beach Mama, I find it interesting that so many women have this issue, particularly as a result of their relationships with their fathers and husbands. It might not be politically correct to say so, but I think women really do try to make nice, be nice, make compromises, suffer for what is perceived to be the greater good, and try extra hard for approval. It’s the stuff of novels as well as real life.
Awareness of boundaries is critical for those who did not learn good ones while growing up. Ideally, we won’t always have to be aware of the awareness–it’ll just kick in when we need it!
I am just checking in again before I go to bed and I thank you for your comments. I too discovered Raam Dev a short while ago and love every one of his writings. I only started reading blogs under a year ago and at first I subscribed to everything but then it was just more “things” to handle, so I started to unsubscribe and put those in a folder just to check on them later and there were 65.. Oh My I thought I was again acquiring without thought or boundaries just like I acquired stuff. What a revelation to my consciousness. The blogs I have stayed with give me thought and strength and I relate and become a better person. I now have minimal blogs to read.
So I appreciate your writings for as long as you care to do so. I also enjoy the comments of your readers. They are also filled with wisdom and contemplation.
Thank you again for sharing.
Hi again, Jean–I had a chuckle about all the blogs. You’ll have noted the very long blog roll on the right-hand column. I’ve had nearly all of them on my RSS feed at one time or another, but did finally have to cull them back, and rely more on Twitter to let me know if there’s a new post up that might interest me. If I didn’t do this, I would have no life, honestly! Thanks so much for being one of my readers, I appreciate every single one of you
It’s very late here and I just popped over to see if you’d posted anything, Meg. Now my head is so full of so much from your wonderful perspective on boundaries. I shall sleep and dream of this! (that’s a good thing) And tomorrow I’ll revisit and reread this wonderful, well thought out and perceptive post.
Willow recently posted..Short Trips
Thanks, Willow! Hope you didn’t have insomnia!!!!
as always meg another great post. i was going to write a post about this subject too. when we first started our downsizing mission our goals were so clear…we wanted to return to the state we were in prior to having kids. each day we try to step in that direction. recently when we drastically reduced our car use we felt a huge step in that direction. i think it is so important to keep moving toward your authentic self, simplifying is the answer for us. thanks again for keeping me thinking.
xo
Hi Janet–good boundaries are flexible, they establish themselves in correct relationship to whatever is happening in our lives. Sometimes we need them firm, virtually brick walls, and sometimes they can be as casual as a doodled line, a gesture of intent. Enjoy the process….
What a thoughtful post Meg. It’s so interesting to read about how your life and mind has shifted from the adoption of minimalism. I’m especially interested in getting to the place where I’m able/willing to focus solely on my “right livelihood.” There is still quite a bit of noise I’m working to clear before I’ll see that happen.
Thanks for the wonderful reminder that it is possible to come to the place of peace and contentment where you find yourself now, and that the rewards are endless!
Jenny @ exconsumer recently posted..Living a Mindful and Frugal Life
Thanks, Jenny
Part of it might be because I’m in a different time of life than you are–some of it is a function of aging. But the minimalism is still crucial, because just when some “noise” or clutter leaves your life–such as the kids growing up and leaving home–other things come in to fill it, like health problems, finding employment after 50, etc. It’s a path. It’s a good one.
What a wonderful post, Meg. What resonates most for me is the awareness that consumerism has an insidious way of shaping an adult life. Marketing has gotten so good at appealing to emotions that so many among us fall prey to buying based on received desire rather than practical need. When we establish that boundary that shuts out unnecessary stuff, it’s amazing how much room we discover we have for things that sustain the soul.
Belinda, the manipulation is something I’m covering to a deeper extent in my book, which I am STILL working on (though it would have been done two months ago). It’s an incredibly important topic.
Hi Meg,
First time visitor and really enjoyed the blog. I do think that one of the traps one might fall into when making boundaries is saying no too often and too automatically without thought whereas their real problem might be that they need to say yes to new opportunities a little more often (understanding that if this is new behavior, it can be a little scary) .
Riley
Welcome, Riley! The self-limiting boundaries you point out are indeed bad ones. I’m proposing putting up boundaries against the sources of that kind of self-limiting thinking, such as negative people, the voice of a long-ago teacher that hangs around in your head, or other repetitive sources of negative thinking. It’s hard to be open to new things if something inside you is saying “I can’t, because….” I think automatically saying no too often comes from that kind of insidious input.
Beautiful post Meg, as always. I’ve been exploring the concept of boundaries a lot this year. I think it started before 2011 though, when I first started heading towards minimalism a few years ago. But now there is enough space in my life to really start paying attention to the sanctity and preciousness of healthy boundaries. Minimalism has brought me more clearly defined boundaries in my relationships, and less boundaries with the natural world. An interesting flip in my reality. Thank you for posting this… and I’m excited to hear you have a book coming out. It will be at the top of my must-read list.
Tanja from Minimalist Packrat recently posted..Leaping Rats and a Christmas Tree Shed Turned Tiny House
Hi Tanja–glad the shed project didn’t swallow you up, ’cause it’s good to see you again
Boundaries come with awareness, and work both ways.
The book is almost ready…!
Hey Meg,
It was a much needed downtime while we dealt with the tangible aspects of a construction project. I’m glad to back though! Waiting in anticipation for the book to be released.
Tanja from Minimalist Packrat recently posted..The Minimalist Packrat Tiny House Construction Tour
It’s like you’re talking about me!
You’re not a fly on my wall, are you
Ruth recently posted..Preface of The Way of Selflessness
Hullo, Ruth–nope, not a fly on your wall, but a flea in your brain ;D Kidding. It amazes me to see that this post struck such a chord with so many!
I can relate to your quest for a minimalist life. I have always been happiest when I had just a few special things to deal with. But raising a family, caring for parents, inheriting keepsakes slowly increase the “stuff” you have to deal with until your creative life grinds to a halt. We have recently sold our home and moved to a smaller place as part of our plan to simplify our life. What an amazing journey it has been! I had no idea just how much “stuff” was hiding in closets and corners, while I thought of myself as living a fairly simple life. We still have a long way to go to reach the balance point of simplicity I am hoping for. But we are working toward that goal. Our local thrift stores are becoming one of my regular stops in town!
fay recently posted..Floss Colors for New Pattern
Hi Fay–There’s nothing like actually getting rid of excess things and simplifying to restore room to think, create, and just live. I know all too well the situation with the thrift stores–one of them had so many of my donations that I couldn’t face going back in there for nearly a year!
I can relate to your quest for a minimalist life. It’s an incredibly important topic.
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