Out of Spite: Fifty Ways to Leave Your Clutter
Toss Out the Couch, Grouch
If you ever want to get rid of a lot of stuff in a hurry, just tick off the right person, who will do it for you just out of spite. All joking aside, there’s a vast difference between choosing to get rid of your stuff and having the choice to do so taken from you, even if the end result is similar. Only the coldest-hearted soul would not feel awful for anyone who has lost their belongings to theft, fire, and natural disasters. Losing stuff as a result of someone else’s spite, however, belongs in a category all its own. And when it’s you that’s so fed up you’ve thrown out their stuff, why that’s simply the other side of the coin.
I got to thinking about this as a a result of something that happened to me recently, which I can’t go into here because if I detail it, I would be doing so out of spite, you see? So while I have to back away from the telling of that particular tale, I can indeed tell you about some of the other incidents I’ve known of, and I’m sure you all could add to the list, because this is a very common and all too human failing. To the perpetrator, the violence done to our personal belongings makes a fine substitute for directly violating our actual selves, which I think demonstrates the intense symbolic relationship between ourselves and our stuff.
Spite probably makes its first appearance when an angry or jealous child willfully breaks or steals another’s toy. Bobby cutting off the heads of his little sister’s Barbie dolls out of sheer devilment doesn’t count, as he will likely feel great remorse when punished. The truly spiteful child, however, actually wants to hurt the other child and punishment is likely to increase the resentment and likelihood of spiteful behavior.
School-age spitefulness is a mixed bag, and is not always synonymous with bullying. Girls are particularly notorious for perpetrating spiteful actions and cattiness just because they can. But the kind of spite I’m talking about here is not bullying, but where the victim’s possessions are removed or destroyed as a symbol of removing the victim herself, the ultimate We Don’t Want You Here message. This is a level of thinking that is more likely to appear in older children than in younger ones.
Post-high school and college is a great time for high-drama spiteful decluttering. One of my classmates, a usually serene creature, told me about an incident between herself and her dormitory roommate, whom she suspected of stealing her food. It seems the roomie had a sugar daddy whom she entertained regularly, frequently, and without warning, which was bad enough. Then my classmate caught her in the act of stealing her food. The roomie’s excuse: she was hungry after all that “entertaining.” After they argued and the roomie stomped off, my classmate opened up the windows of their third-story room and dumped every bit of her roomie’s personal possessions onto the quad and would have set fire to them if some friends hadn’t dragged her away.
Then there’s academic spite. When a group of English majors graduated, a couple of them threw a big party for fellow majors and profs at their apartment. A few hours and kegs later, one of the guests spotted an entire collection of Cliff’s Notes, covering every book that was assigned over four years, plus some for other classes. Her fury knew no bounds, because she truly felt using them was cheating. She scooped them up by the armful and in full view of the guests took them out to the balcony and dumped them into the retaining pond below, where they floated black and yellow against the dark water.
Creative spite is a touchy one. Sometimes an artist, in his frustration, will gather up his work and destroy it, feeling it is worthless and an abomination. Sometimes this is a form of self-mutilation, because an artist’s works are more a part of himself than his shirt or cell phone. At its worst it destroys good work and leads to irrevocable regret. At its best it is catharsis, enabling the artist to find a better way to create, to start fresh, to leave the unsatisfactory past behind. The very worst is when someone else destroys an artist’s work, which hurts more than if they physically hurt the artist, almost as much as if a child is hurt to spite its parent. There’s many an artist who has lost work thanks to relationships gone bad, illicit affairs, or frustrated parents who considered them freeloaders and wanted them to get a “real” job.
Parental spite is particularly awful because the parent is supposed to be the wiser party. I know of one mother who burned all her preteen daughter’s dolls as a form of spiteful punishment. Parents who play The Will Game are fairly common, leaving everything to a favorite child, or cutting someone out simply because the parent did not like the child’s choice of career or spouse. There are parents who treat a child spitefully because they are the spitting image of the spouse they divorced, and the unlucky kid gets less food, fewer clothes and toys, less encouragement, fewer privileges, and more punishment. Some kids have come home to find their parent has dumped, sold or given away their possessions in a fit of pique. A really big fit.
Spiteful decluttering is probably most common and most understandable during the throes of divorce, regardless of the reasons for the breakup. Bank accounts get cleared, family heirlooms get trashed or sold off, dishes get broken, cars set on fire, and of course furniture gets thrown to the curb, along with clothes, trophies, books, sports equipment, etc. The message is the same as it would be in grade school: I Don’t Want You Here. At All. Some of the worst acts can stem not only from infidelity, but from using children and pets as pawns to hurt and deprive–especially if the spiteful parent, when being totally honest, would have to admit he or she was not in the best position to care for them.
Spite can appear in nearly anyone, if the right buttons are pressed. Most of us have committed some form of spitefulness as a young teen, if not as an adult. Some cultures don’t bat an eyelash at spiteful behavior, and others think it is tantamount to murder. It doesn’t seem confined to socioeconomic strata, as I’ve seen it in play in the rich and poor alike, in the schooled and the uneducated, in the naive and the sophisticated, and in any number of ethnicities. It seems to be more common among women than men, but I’ve known men to commit some jaw-dropping acts of spite that stopped just short of revenge.
Go ahead, share your stories. After all, there’s gotta be fifty ways to leave your clutter….
31 Responses to “Out of Spite: Fifty Ways to Leave Your Clutter”
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Minimalist Photographer
Oh this is just amazing! The one amazing uniqueness to humans is SPITE. No other creature engages in such an activity because it goes against everything evolution teaches. Spite not only hurts the one intended to be hurt, but also hurts the one engaging in the behavior or act. In the non-human world, this just doesn’t happen as an animal will not allow their survivability to be threatened just to threaten another’s out of anger. This is why I get so frustrated with out species…we just don’t do things that make any sense. If you want to see something sensible, look outside of the human species and towards the rest of the natural kingdom!
Megyn @ Minimalist Mommi recently posted..Curbing the Inner B!
Hi Megyn–yeah, humans will cut off their noses to spite their faces. Even chimpanzees don’t do spite, although they are known to do vengeance, according to some studies. Hmmmm. My cat has a really spiteful-sounding meow, but she’s all affection. I did have a psychotic Westie for a few months that did some nasty things to my stuff–and just my stuff, nobody else’s, so I’m not sure that all animals are innocent of this nasty behavior ;D
I recently helped a friend declutter a MASSIVE pile of crap (we’re talking pallets worth, five feet tall, 10 feet deep) her soon to be ex dumped at her mother’s, where she is now staying. Because he won’t let her in the house, he packed up all her things and when we opened them we found a lot of …trash. Yes, the spiteful moron, who treated his wife like dirt for ten years until she decided no more (!) had decided to retaliate by not only packing up trash for her to wade through, but apparently he decluttered his own unwanted items into the boxes he packed for her! We laughed, what else can you do? Good riddance to bad rubbish, in more ways than one
Terra@TheSimplePoppy recently posted..Into Autumn
Hi Terra–that is truly OMG-level spite. Wow! But like you say, all you can do is laugh and maybe dine out on the story a few times, hahaha! Sounds like your friend made the right decision, though, and give her my best wishes
A sister hug to your friend Terra. It sounds like she made the best decision of her life getting out of that relationship.
Tanja Minimalist Packrat recently posted..Pathways in Your Home
The silver lining to the spiteful parent? One learns to not attach to things.
Queen Mary, you are so right about that, you are so so so so right….
Spite.
The first thing that always comes to my mind is the Seinfield episode where Jerry returns a nice suit to spite the salesman…and apparently “spite” isn’t an authorized reason for refunds.
Classic.
Hi Maryann–Seinfeld was full of spite-fueled storylines, come to think of it!
First of all, I LOVE the title, so catchy and clever!
I would say the one that works for me is out of disgust. Being disgusted and fed up with piles or boxes and baskets. And I am getting to that point. Ready to do another purging. Another round of books and clothes, plus I HAVE to tackle the papers…
Bernice
Living the Balanced Life recently posted..When depression comes knocking at your door
Hi Bernice–you’re nowhere near spite, then! It’s clear you’re not trying to “get back” at someone or hurt them by purging the stuff, just trying to wrest back some control from the stuff itself. I’ve got some more uncluttering waiting for me next month, too, but it’s all my stuff and my choice
There is so much I could say about each of these situations, but I’ll limit myself to just one. I have loved almost all of LM Montgomery’s books (Anne of Green Gables) but in one of the Emily books, the heroine, Emily, destroys her unpublished novel because a jealous lover doesn’t want her to succeed and leave him behind. It horrified me. Truly creative spite.
Willow, I remember that story!!! I’d forgotten all about it until reading your comment just now. Wasn’t that an awful scene? But it’s definitely the kind of thing that has happened in real life. Thanks for adding it to the list.
I was married to my second husband when my parents died, my dad first and 18 months later, my mom. They were both packrats and I’m an only child. We moved into the house my dad left me when he died and most of his things were easily discarded – they were not nice at all. I still have a collection of his ties from the 1970s because they make me smile. My grandparents things he had kept were harder, but we eventually pared the house down to a manageable level. When my mom died, I guess my husband was fed up. Much of her stuff was handmade – she did a little of everything – sewing, crochet, knitting, sculpture, oil painting, chalk and watercolour. She made her living as a photographic colourist, putting oil paint on photographs before direct colour photography was prominent. She made beautiful things. In her attic were my childhood toys from the 50s and 60s, a large number of pointed stiletto heels from the 50s, a machine that cut phonograph records from the 40s (they were married in 1944 just before he was sent to Italy for a year) and I’ve no idea what all else. I managed to bring home most of her fabric stash and sewing notions, a few pieces of furniture and a box of all her letters to my Dad over that year 1944-5. I don’t know where my Dad’s letters were, but perhaps they were in a similar container in the attic, or perhaps not. My husband – without warning me – hired a skip and emptied Mom’s entire house and took it to the dump. I appreciate that it had been nearly a year since she died and I wasn’t coping very well, and at the time I was so stunned by this decision on his part it took me years to even comprehend the loss. I understood that it was financially smarter to get the house ready to sell or rent (I still own it as rental property), and I actually remained married to him for another 3 years. These days – when I think of him at all – this action stands at the forefront of our years together and I cheerfully wish him any ill that life could dish out.
Shelley recently posted..Year of Style – October
Holy crap, Shelley! I don’t know how you remained married to that guy for three more years, either. But did he do it out of spite or out of desperation? Given your reaction, it looks like you had good reason to feel it was spite.
In the example I mentioned about the mother who burned her daughter’s dolls, when the mother died, the daughter (who lived far away) collected her elderly father, and arranged for a service to clear out the house and put the contents up for sale or auction, I don’t know which. People said EVERYTHING was out there, from furniture to underwear to family photos and mementos, and even a lot of her grandmother’s stuff. She wasn’t coming back to town again, that’s for sure!
I was once the victim of a home invasion robbery. Unfortunately, most of what they “decluttered” for me were things I’d have rather kept or sold, and they didn’t take any of the junk. Still, it was a turning point toward my making the move to my present smaller and more mobile lifestyle.
Mike | Homeless On Wheels recently posted..Exploring RV Living – Staying Connected
Hi Mike–I think there are a couple of other minimalists who had that experience, too. So does that mean you’re the one who became a minimalist just to spite any future thieves? Just sayin’ ;D
What a funny one Meg. I ran through spite stories in my head, but I had to dredge back really far and none of them were dramatic enough to share.
I do have one teensy one though…. Long, long ago before Patrick ever came into my life I had an ex who held my teddy bear hostage until I returned a rare book, or was it that I held his rare book hostage until he returned my teddy bear?
It was years ago and we arranged a meeting on neutral grounds with friendly witnesses to make sure the transfer went smooth. In the end all property was returned in perfect condition. Hmm, would this be a story of spite averted?
Tanja Minimalist Packrat recently posted..A Minimalist Take on Papers
Hi Tanja–I had something similar happen with my ex involving the quit-claim deed to our house, but I can’t remember what he was holding up until I turned it over, it’s been so long! Nonetheless, as in your case, the rumbles of spite were there….
Thank you for taking the mnmlst movement to relational clutter. That, and, this is perhaps the best “variation on a title” I’ve heard in a long time. “Objects” have symbolic power…I wonder what a minimalist woman post that focuses solely on relational clutter would look like? (viz., resentment, spite, the need to be “right” <–me :/ , hatred, xenophobia). You are one of the better writers on the net. Thanks for keeping your stuff at a level that transcends "self-help." This is culture philosophy.
Best,
M
Mark, I will cherish this comment because it comes from one of the best thinkers and writers out there
Yes, I do prefer to write cultural philosophy, and that’s probably why my blog is still a “small” one. Dig into the archives–there are more posts on this theme and other cultural considerations!
Thanks again.
What a unique post and fascinating read, Meg. Spite as a force that separates us from material goods, drawing a hard line between us and the material world. When someone else gets rid of our stuff without our permission, it’s a violation. When we do it ourselves, it’s energizing.
I can’t think of any recent spiteful removal of things or possessions, but I remember once a long time ago chopping off all my hair over a boy. Sure it was a spiteful act but it was also liberating not to mention a relief to feel so much lighter.
Belinda recently posted..ALL CLEAR: FeedMedic Alert for thehalfwaypoint
Hi Belinda–I’ve done the hair-chopping myself when I was much younger! It happened twice, actually, several years apart. The first time was because I felt ugly and rejected. But the second time was because I’d gotten fed up with being with someone who really hated short hair on women and would be really snide if he thought the hairdresser cut a little too much off the ends. After I took the scissors to it myself, I loved it so much I kept the hairdo and dumped the guy
omg meg what a great post title and great subject. i just wrote a post on an acquaintance who is losing her home, so sad. and all the clutter! i’ve been over to her house a few times since then and have learned more of her story and spite is a huge part of it. what we as humans will do out of spite, even to our own detriment is astounding.
Hi Janet–it’s crazy, isn’t it? One recent spite episode I know about involved throwing out someone else’s stuff that would have brought a fortune on ebay or in antique stores. It was more important to the dumper to symbolically “throw out” the owner of the stuff.
Hi Meg,
I’m stuck by how sad this all is. I’m sure I have done things out of spite when I was younger. And it’s possible the feeling might arise even now though I don’t think I would act on it. “Sad” is all I can think.
Sandra / Always Well Within recently posted..September 2011 Review: Change
Hi Sandra–it is very sad, especially when it is done by those old enough to know better, and not driven by youthful passions. It becomes vicious, then. Yet it happens everywhere.
Spite seems sort of like a passive aggressive emotion. Like bottled up anger that finds indirect, creative ways of expression. And in that way, it’s worse than anger because it’s directed at a person rather than reacting to a person’s actions. Seems more healthy to just express anger immediately, albeit in a non violent way.
Peter recently posted..Utopia Systems Hosted CRM
Hi Peter–it is definitely healthier to express anger immediately, and focus on the actions that make one angry rather than the person. But we all know that anger is not always rational.
And it’s possible the feeling might arise even now though I don’t think I would act on it. I understood that it was financially smarter to get the house ready to sell or rent (I still own it as rental property), and I actually remained married to him for another 3 years. Hi Mike–I think there are a couple of other minimalists who had that experience, too. what we as humans will do out of spite, even to our own detriment is astounding.
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