Being Right vs Making Things Right
Waiting for the Moment to Make Things Right
Being Right is a life or death deal for a lot of us. Plenty of self-help and relationship advisors have pointed out that arguments start and escalate because it is so hard to let go of the need to be right, to have our opinion of what is right prevail. Some people are more prone to this than others; for them, successfully asserting their Rightness and getting everyone to agree that they’re right is a validation of ego, of existence. The harder they fight to Be Right, the more likely this is the case. Any number of things can cause them to be like that, from simply not knowing any other way to be in the world, or from being fed up after a lifetime of caving to someone who needed to Be Right.
American culture is particularly rife with Being Righters, as it rewards individualism above the collective good, rewards the patriarchal/matriarchal group/family structure, worships heroes, and gives equal weight to all arguments, no matter how specious, because each individual is entitled to assert his notion of right. This makes our culture particularly prone to letting the loudest voices or the richest voices win–not the voices speaking for everyone’s best interests, or the most logical ones.
Being Right forces all one’s eggs into a single basket of convictions. At its most extreme, this person must win the argument at all costs, even if it means alienating others, of going it alone, or resorting to underhanded tactics to undermine or demean the people who don’t agree with him.
It takes a lot of energy to maintain Being Right at all costs. You have to know all the possible angles that could be argued and have the answers ready to shoot, to be able to dismiss or batter down any opposition that arises. When you interact with someone else who is also stuck on Being Right, oh dear. The battles are fierce, loud, and exhausting. Neither party can back down, there’s too much at stake for each of them. Even if one of them doesn’t actually need to be right, he or she definitely needs to not be swallowed up by the one who does.
Sometimes it is hard to fight against the person who needs to Be Right, especially when their arguments are flawed, their facts wrong, their intents selfish, and their world view is just plain surreal. You don’t necessarily have a better argument, or all the facts, or altruistic intents, or a completely objective world view yourself, but when confronted by a crazed Being-Righter, it seems like you only have two choices: fight back, or cave.
A third choice might be Making Things Right. This means being focused on the Big Picture, rather than on Self. Making Things Right does not look for the individual “win,” the position of authority, the illusion of control, or the glory. It’s a completely different mindset, one that is less stressful, less mentally cluttered. It’s when you can ask yourself, what is the desired outcome here? From there you guide your responses toward that outcome.
Making Things Right usually means keeping your cool, but not always–sometimes the expression of anger is the only way to stop wrong in its tracks. Likewise, Making Things Right is not at all the same as Making Nice, which is worse than just plain caving.
Making Things Right is the direct expression of truth, and being willing to look the Being-Righter in the eye and saying: No; I disagree; I don’t believe that; I don’t know if that is the case; That has not been my experience; and You are wrong. And when they start trying to shout you down or buy your compliance, be unafraid to walk away.
It isn’t always easy to Make Things Right. Sometimes we’re stuck with these people, who are truly toxic, unless we’re willing to completely walk out of their sphere of action, whether it’s our family unit, our place of employment, or a neighborhood bar.
The needs of Being Right and Being Understood are very different things. As a deaf person, I have often confused the desperation of someone who is trying to make himself understood to me with an attempt to just Be Right, and I know hearing people have faced this gap of understanding, as well, for various reasons. These folks are more concerned with not being misrepresented, so it sometimes pays to give them the benefit of the doubt and honor them with a genuine attempt at understanding, even if you still end up disagreeing with them. Of course when you do that, you’re automatically Making Things Right.
Needing to Be Right is a stressful way of living, fraught with mental and emotional clutter. Nearly all of us have felt this need to one extent or another. It’s defensiveness, pure and simple. Sometimes it’s sneaky, lurking below our cheerful selves until it is brought out by the slightest perception of threat to our cheerfulness, unfolding like a Transformer robot into an argumentative killing machine. But it can be tamed, with some mindfulness and self-honesty. And that, once again, means you’re on your way to Making Things Right.
18 Responses to “Being Right vs Making Things Right”
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Right On, Meg! (pun intended, of course). Being Right can be such a burden. When we let it go we free ourselves. It’s a privilege to read you.
-D
Daphne DeLaurier recently posted..Families and Holidays
Hi Daphne–welcome back to Blogland
You’re right about the freedom–it’s not unlike the sense of lightness we get from uncluttering and letting go of unneeded things, except it’s all “inside” of us.
Thank you, Meg. I know some people like this, who must be right at any cost. Sometimes I even get caught up in it and have to take a step back and remind myself to choose my battles carefully.
Here’s a pertinent quote:
“There are only three things you need to let go of: judging, controlling, and being right. Release these three and you will have the whole mind and twinkly heart of a child.” –Hugh Prather
Mike | Homeless On Wheels recently posted..Cool Holiday Music!
Hi Mike–”choose my battles” is the bit of wisdom I learned when my son was a teenager, and I really could have done a better job of applying it to the world at large! Thanks for the quote, it’s a great one to remember
This is so, so true! I come from a family of “being right-ers.” I’ve been told that conversation is a combat sport in our house, and that couldn’t be more true. It was only from marital problems that I realized I too was following my family’s “must be right” ways. It truly is so relieving to not feel the need to argue ALL the time. However, it’s still a long road. At least being consciously aware is the best step. Thanks for such a great reminder!
Megyn @ Minimalist Mommi recently posted..Nudity for Minimalism
Hi Megyn–combative families do tend to breed more combative families, don’t they? Then some of us realize what is going on and we find we need to re-parent ourselves into healthier behavioral patterns. But you’re right–consciousness of the process is the first step!
Meg,
I so agree that having to Be Right is a stressful way to live. It can be a deeply embedded pattern. You are very insightful to acknowledge that we have all been there and sometimes tray back there! It’s wonderful to feel the encouragement to let go.
Sandra / Always Well Within recently posted..The Most Important VISA to Use This Holiday Season
Hi Sandra–I’m glad if I’ve conveyed some small bit of encouragement
It’s hard pattern to break out of, and the perpetual defensiveness can really skew one’s perception of other people’s intents. But getting free of it is totally worth it.
Just last night, I was with a group that asked “Do you want to be right? Or liked?” I had to answer that I always wanted to be liked. (Or a caver, as you suggested.) It was a matter of survival growing up. But as an adult, it doesn’t work so well, I’ve found. And I’m sure I’ve gone the “right” route, too. Just ask my daughter. These patterns can be devastating, and the “Making Things Right” is really the only way sometimes, however painful. And sometimes, it brings peace and a chance at a fresh start. Thank you, Meg, for your insight. (And a glimpse at the bunny.)
Hi Tamara–well, that was serendipitous, to have just considered this topic in a different venue! As I said in a different comment, I learned to choose my battles when my son was a teenager, but didn’t apply the technique nearly as often as I could have in the rest of my life since then. But I agree with you–when you do it, it’s a fresh start
I really like this way of looking at conflict. I was stuck in perpetual (and futile) conflict with my ex-husband when we were both determined to be right. Once I accepted that I was never going to change his view of what happened between us and let go of that fight, everything shifted. Yes, it’s a kind of decluttering. Space opened up that was no longer filled with mental debates, long emails, and strategizing. I stopped explaining my boundaries (so that he’d agree they were right) and just expressed them. About 6 months later, he dropped his fists as well. A great lesson for me in the futility of trying to change another person. Only when I stopped trying to change him did any meaningful change come in our relationship.
Rita recently posted..Gingerbread and nerf guns and spaghetti, oh my!
Hi Rita–you point out an important element to Being Right: the need to explain. It’s part of trying to convince someone else of the “rightness” of your point of view, and it’s a huge trap. When we let go of the need to defend–or cave–good stuff has a chance to happen.
Gah! I’m having a particularly stressful situation with Being Righters RIGHT NOW! Are you in my head, Auntie Meg? I realise that a lot of the crazy feelings that come with having contact with Being Righters is because I CARE they what they think. My husband is always asking me, “WHY?! Why do you care? Stop caring!” Approaching it from the point of view that I cannot change them, and most particularly cannot change how they feel about me or anything else, brings my fever down a little. As you say, it’s a lot of reconditioning. I keep thinking of this sign I saw the other day that said: “Don’t try to win over the haters, you are not the jerk whisperer” So I’m going around telling myself, “I am not the jerk whisperer, I AM NOT the jerk whisperer.”
Terra@TheSimplePoppy recently posted..Simpleness Misunderstood
Hi Terra–still wiping my watery eyes and coughing a little, after laughing so hard at “jerk whisperer.” What a great concept, and thanks so much for passing it on
Sorry to hear you are having issues with Being Righters–they really take the shine off of things, and it can be so hard not to let them. I know someone who says he just plays video games in his head when he is bombarded with the Being Right verbiage!
Oh, Meg, you got that right! I admit I am familiar with the need to be right. I trace it back to the school days — wanting to do well, getting those As, getting praised for those high marks. But real life (life out of the academic setting) is so much more complicated, nuanced and, let’s face it, difficult. We will continue to meet people who will insist on being right and it’s really a personal choice to either stay on thesame level and butt heads to no avail or to let it go and find some sense of peace. Great post!
Hi Belinda–life outside of academia is indeed more complicated, but some of the worst Being Righters I’ve ever known are the ones who can’t leave academia behind. Tiresome lot, they are! Hope we can both avoid them at least during the holidays
I am in the middle of the argument with my soon-to-be-ex flatmate and after being annoyed in the beginning, now I laugh at it. But I won’t leave without a reply, no, ma’am.
(I have to move out because she owns the flat, but it’s a relief. Some people simply have a wall around their heads and nothing comes through it. And they’re always right, of course. Contrary to the popular belief.)
My opinion will be expressed, if not heard and understood. And then I’m going away. There’s nothing more to do in this relationship.