Making Love Possible
The Start of a Beautiful Friendship
Special note: Spirits of Place, my little collection of flash fiction, is free today, if you’d like to get a copy.
Valentine’s Day is the first true commercial holiday, since nothing romantic is associated with any of the Catholic saints bearing the name Valentine. Geoffrey Chaucer first wrote of it as a time when birds chose their mates, but even in England mid-February is an unlikely time for this to happen. Nonetheless, the tradition of sending adorned messages to a sweetheart began in the very late 18th century, and seemed to have arose naturally from local English customs. By the mid-19th century, it had spread to all of Europe and the Americas. Mass-produced cards became common, and various retail industries jumped on the bandwagon to hawk their candy, flowers, jewelry, and sentimental gifts. If you’ve decluttered, there’s no doubt some of the Valentine’s Day stuff you’ve received over the years is no longer around, right?
Gifts of experience are the Minimalist recommendation, and posts and comments by Jenny at Ex-Consumer and Robert at Untitled Minimalism are worth the chuckles (I will never get past the mental picture of Robert as a teddy bear singing “Teddy Bear”). There have also been several posts by mothers astounded at what’s involved in their childrens’ classroom Valentine’s Day activities, where commercialism runs as rampant as ever.
Love, however, needs room–not stuff–to grow. Love of any kind takes up a lot of space in our hearts and minds. We can feel that our love for someone, whether spouse, child, friend, parent, or mankind in general, is boundless, but the nasty truth is that the more cluttered our lives, the more worries, concerns, neuroses and distractions we have, the less we can effectively express our love, show our caring, and cherish our relationships.
There’s an old saying, “When poverty comes in the door, love flies out the window,” that serves as a warning to dewy-eyed couples that the practical concerns of making a living are still players in the game of love. A variation on it is especially appropriate for our consumer culture: “When money goes out the door, love flies out the window.” Relationships are hard enough without adding problems that could have been avoided. The Minimalist goal of a healthy balance between income (sustainable, with minimal stress) and outgo (minimal crap, maximum quality) has improved the conditions for many a loving household.
But what makes love possible in the first place? Obviously there are hormones and childish adoration, and the unconditional love of pets and babies, but let’s get serious here and look at the big picture of love: caring for someone out of compassion or affection. You can even love yourself on these terms, and in fact it’s a good idea, often necessary before it is possible to love another. Compassion for oneself is not the same as self-indulgence, but actually curbs self-indulgence by acknowledging our shortcomings and loving ourselves enough to do something about the worst ones. We can become aware of all the influences in our lives, both the good and the bad. The awareness leads to love when we are forgiving others, forgiving ourselves, and then taking responsibility for ourselves from that point on.
The awareness that makes real love possible cannot develop in an environment of fear. All our fears of abandonment, isolation, ridicule, inadequacy and other neuroses lead to further fear-based thinking and cause us to place an inordinate amount of significance on “safe” and socially-encouraged expressions of love, such as heart-shaped boxes of candy and a dozen long-stemmed red roses. Such sentimental symbols actually become substitutes for love. Without giving or receiving the real thing, however, we’re only left feeling more insecure than ever, unsatisfied, and the cycle begins anew. Fears of inadequacy and ridicule underlie dissatisfaction in looking for a mate, when great possibilities are overlooked for the beauty queen or the six-pack-abs guy.
Fear kills trust, and trust kills love. Jealousy and possessiveness so easily turn abusive, and woe to the couple with competitive issues, begrudging one another’s success. Openness and acceptance are critical elements of parental love, without which families cannot stay together. Trust allows friendships to grow–and wane–in their own time and place, without pressure or regrets. Fear prevents opportunities for relationships to occur at all, let alone grow. Likewise, betraying trust–in any form–can create fear: many of us still carry the scars of past betrayals, which trip us up in the relationships we have in the present.
Fear-based thinking keeps us from acting on other kinds of love, as well. Do you feel compassion for the homeless, for the hungry, for the disenfranchised? What do you do about it? In “Cupid’s Narrow Arrow,” Brenda Munoz considers definitions of love after a humanitarian visit to Africa. Sandra Pawula covers it even more thoroughly, with a Buddhist perspective in “Love or Attachment?” Taking action on our love and compassion for mankind is much more likely to happen when we are comfortable with our personal relationships. Being willing to expand the boundaries of our comfort zone is an act of generosity to ourselves, as well.
Love brings different beings together in mutual happiness. Think of a lemon and a green pepper, each seeming quite complete and content in itself. A bit of lemon juice or zest to stuffed peppers or a pasta sauce with green peppers is magical. They don’t have to be cooked together, though. Sometimes they just look happy sitting there companionably on the counter, each one appreciating the other with great affection. They don’t have to be red and pink, or lacy, or dipped in chocolate, or festooned with glitter and poems. They’re just a lemon and a pepper, sharing and cherishing one lovely point in time and space.
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It has always made me sad to see people (let’s be honest, usually women) who lose their minds when their partners forget something like Valentine’s Day. Because of the commercialism surrounding everything these days, one day wonder weddings are more important than the actual marriage, or gifts on Valentine’s Day have become more important than the all the times your man has dragged himself under your car to see what that “weird noise” was. Choose real life and real happiness over stuff!
Terra@TheSimplePoppy recently posted..Making, Building, Cleaning
Hi Terra–I like the way you put it, “weddings are more important than the actual marriage.” It’s something I’ve seen all too often, myself. All the BS and the stuff are used as if they were the real love, the real relationship, and it’s a sorry situation.
The guy that’s by your side, helping you get things done, is more than likely Mr. Right. One of Steve’s first efforts when we first got together was to help me repair the leaking drain field of my septic system. What a godforsaken nasty mess that was, but we got it done and he helped me save a couple thousand dollars that I couldn’t spare. Everyone in my little community was VERY impressed, hahaha!
My husband (of going on 9 years) and I don’t need a special day to celebrate our love for each other. In fact, since he works everyday (except Sunday), we’re having our “valentine’s day” on Saturday, with a nice meal, a glass of wine, and our favorite tv show (all we have on hand, no extra expense needed). We usually do the same for our anniversary too. Not that there is anything to do here in our Indiana town besides drink and pray, lol.
Hi Tiff–oh don’t I know about those Indiana towns, we’re living in one ourselves. It’s a nice town, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not exactly buzzing with things we find enjoyable. I made dinner tonight, some of his favorite foods, and then made chocolate pudding from scratch, using a super-easy recipe I found online. It was special b/c we almost never have dessert. I get to pick the shows we watch via Roku tonight. A little wine or port will come later on. We do okay ;D I’d feel weird, as would he, if we went all out and gifted each other with elaborate frou-frou–we’d wonder what was wrong!
Hi Meg! As you know, I was particularly amused by the vision of Robert dressing up as a Teddy Bear and singing as well.
The background on how Valentine’s Day actually came to be is so interesting because — as you pointed out — there is no real concrete information on how the tie between a Catholic saint and romance came to be. Of course we all know how the link between greeting cards, candy, jewelry, and other sentimental gifts and Valentine’s Day came to be.
And there is definitely some fear attached to skipping the day all together. For example, I don’t want my kids to think I don’t care about them because I didn’t give them a valentine like all of their friend’s parents, ya know?
P.S. I downloaded a copy of your “Spirits of Place” last week. I’ve had some unexpected craziness happening in my world this week, but I can’t wait to grab some moments to read it!
Jenny @ Ex-Consumer recently posted..Valentine’s Day — Can’t Buy Me Love
Hi Jenny–that fear of being seen as somehow less loving than other people does play a part, and keeps a lot of people buying symbolic gifts even when it shouldn’t be necessary. It took me ages to pull back from Christmas cards and token gifts, too.
Hey, I’m just glad you’ve got a copy of the stories ready to go–I don’t think my husband has even read it yet!
Meg,
I couldn’t help but get a huge smile immediately upon seeing the photo of the lemon and the pepper. I knew there would be good stuff here!
This went straight into my heart-mind as it’s been an element for such a big part of my life. “The awareness that makes real love possible cannot develop in an environment of fear. All our fears of abandonment, isolation, ridicule, inadequacy and other neuroses lead to further fear-based thinking…” There is so much truth here.
I love the last paragraph! It’s really about being whole in ourselves sharing a point in time with a fruity or a veggie friend!
Sandra / Always Well Within recently posted..Love or Attachment?
Hi Sandra–you know, I was wondering whether to leave that last paragraph in or not, if it seemed like too big of a reach, but I just loved that photo and felt it expressed something essential. So glad you “got” it and liked it
Hi, Meg. It’s been a while since I’ve commented here, but I’m always looking in.
I resisted the urge to write anything about love for Valentine’s Day since I could easily be accused of writing too much esoteric stuff and not enough practical information, but I really like this post.
Love is the solution to almost every problem.
Gip
Gip @ So Much More Life recently posted..Is It Time To Recommit To Decluttering Your Home?
Hi Gip–long time no see! Yes, it can be a double-edged sword to write a holiday-inspired post, but the commercialism surrounding this particular holiday got me wondering how it came about and why it’s so persistent.
No one could accuse me of writing too many practical posts ;D
Hi Meg–
Catching up on my reading, so a little late to respond to this–but I so appreciated it (as always). Particularly appreciate the thoughts about fear and love. I find they cannot really co-exist. Sure, fear can flare up at times in my relationship (those embers from childhood aren’t easily extinguished), but love is able to douse them.
Like you, I dislike the way this holiday (OK, most holidays) are celebrated in our culture, but I’m learning how to reclaim them and make them work for me. Wrote a bit about that in the post linking below.
Rita@thissortaoldlife.com recently posted..How do I love thee?In small ways, every day
Hi Rita–I’ve got tons of fears from childhood and adulthood both, and I speak from hard experience! If we don’t at least acknowledge that they’re there, it’s hard to make things right with those we love.
Thanks for sharing the link to your beautiful post with the lovely valentines
Those are the kind that mean the most!
Love is good. Holidays, especially manufactured ones, like Valentine’s day, not so much. All they do is encourage folks who are in relationships to spend money on frivolous stuff, and make folks who aren’t feel abnormal and left out for not being in a relationship, or being in one that does not conform to the advertised norm.
Mike | Homeless On Wheels recently posted..Caution: Email BCC (Blind Carbon Copy) Not Always Blind
Hi Mike–I bet you’ve tossed out your share of old Valentine’s day crap, hahaha! Holidays are ripe for reinvention, though–best to make our celebration not conform to the advertised norm, whether the relationship conforms or not ;D