Ripples From the Fear of Change
Don't Ever, Ever Leave This Box
It wasn’t my intention to start off the third year of this blog with over two weeks between posts. It isn’t because I’ve been too busy to write, or sick, or on vacation, or have writer’s block. It’s because there’s a little too much going on in my head, a lot of which I’m still sorting out–trying to understand, make sense of conflicting emotions and facts, and figuring out just where I stand on things or which course of action I want to take. We’ve all been there, to one extent or another; some of us have been there on a regular basis.
People are not simple, no matter how much they want to be. The sum of our genetics, environment, health, times, and chance is constantly changing. As that changing sum interacts with changing sum of others, it is amazing that there is any constancy in life at all, that people can form lifelong friendships, or work at the same job for thirty or forty years.
Constancy, however, requires positive reinforcement. For things to stay the same, avoiding pain (risking change, upheaval, financial ruin, etc.) is not enough–there has to be some key need being met in order to resist the overwhelming odds for change. When we think of people who are in a rut or in a bad relationship or job, seemingly unhappy, it isn’t necessarily avoidance of pain that is keeping them there, it could also be they have developed a need for their misery. Some people really are happy in their misery and negativity. They actually derive their validity from it. They know their misery, and it makes them feel secure, keeping them in a fear-of-change loop.
Fear of change leads to all sorts of crazy, self-destructive behavior. It can come in sneaky forms, like rationalizing things to death, finding a million reasons something can’t be done, and undermining the confidence of others so that they don’t go and change, either. I wonder how many illnesses and bad situations are actually caused by people turning themselves into victims so others around them don’t feel free to make natural changes, to grow? Think of all the variations on parents who can’t cut the apron strings, or friends and family with dependency issues–if you move on, you’re abandoning them, you’re disloyal, you’re bad.
Confronting the idea that you’re bad in the mind of someone important to you can take a while to sort out. That is what’s cluttering up my head at the moment, the conflict between my natural need to grow, for simplicity, for a wholesome life, and the old conditioning and expectations of family members who are trying to stop this process by self-destructing. That is in of itself complicated enough, but in this particular case it revealed that I’ve been operating under a lot of illusions about this relationship for most of my life.
The current weapon of suppression is the checklist of things that aren’t done to their satisfaction–not enough visits, phone calls, emails, and, well, not enough everything, flung not as complaint but as vituperation. No “hello, how have you been?” but looks and words that range from maudlin self-pity to demeaning contempt. It was then that I realized the checklist had been in action in this relationship for its entire duration.
Love was measured against a checklist of conditions, and I couldn’t remember a time when I wasn’t coming up short. My son was on the receiving end of it, too, so we’re both dealing with the realization that what we had thought of as family love was actually fear of change; the emotional and behavioral hoops we had to jump through were designed to suppress growth and change in us, to create a sense of security and validity through any means of control necessary: ritually, financially, psychologically.
People in love with their misery are rarely conscious of it–in fact, they’ll scream in horror at the suggestion that they cling to their fears. No, feeling hard done by is part of their autonomic nervous system, as natural and instinctive as breathing. Knowing this, however, does not make things easier for those on the receiving end of their machinations. It is simpler to detach from someone who is being deliberately mean than from someone who is operating out of instinct. That’s when one must focus on oneself and come to terms with our own conflicts between ability and obligation.
Suppressing growth and change in others infantilizes them, limits their ability to adapt to life’s changes and challenges, and keeps them trapped in a box of obligation. It also limits their ability to not take criticism to heart, because the sense of coming up short, of not quite meeting expectations and obligations, is the tool by which they’ve been controlled, and their thinking conditioned.
The great irony is that in my own case, the relationship has created in me the very sort of person least equipped for dealing with it. The constant lashing out, expressions of disappointment, twisting of history, strange manifestations of self-pity, nursing of old wounds, obsession with superficial expressions of affection, and using minor shortcomings as reasons for cutting someone off have created a situation that makes me want to keep my distance even more, and to take courses of action to avoid living in fear myself. Other friends and family members have reacted in similar ways to similar situations, so I know I’m not alone in this: sadly watching loved ones create self-fulfilling prophecies.
22 Responses to “Ripples From the Fear of Change”
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Whoa. Unfortunately, I’m having an almost exact parallel experience over here. Checklist of conditions I can never meet? Yep. Realizing that virtually everything I’ve ever said and done, particularly in the past decade has been used in the damn checklist of failure? Yep. Your sentence about “confronting the idea that you’re bad in the mind of someone important” was what really rocked me back on my heels. The thought that these few, but close people, had created some bizarre mythology out of my supposed behaviour in order to cope and make seem normal their own dysfunctions and abuse was really hard to face. It’s been 6 months since the shit hit the fan for me and at first I just wanted to strangle everything. But after accepting that everything is different, that I don’t have to play by their weird rules of how “family” is supposed to act, I’ve realized I don’t need them. I can forgive, because I don’t need to be mad forever, that’s a waste of time. But I don’t have to let them in. People living in some kind of delusional fantasy universe are best left there and so I leave them to it!
I’m sorry you’re going through so much. I hope it gets easier. I’m also sorry for writing such a long comment – I was just really feeling it, Meg!
Terra@TheSimplePoppy recently posted..Making, Building, Cleaning
Hi Terra–your comment wasn’t too long at all!!!! This is the sort of blog where good thoughtful and sharing comments are appropriate and most welcome, and exactly the reason why I’m keeping the comment button live.
The delusional stuff is a real horror, and I’m facing a lot of that, too. History is regularly rewritten, culpability is never shouldered, and I think they sit there and repeat their self-defense stories to themselves over and over again until they’ve convinced themselves that those are the facts. It’s maddening. Your phrase “created some bizarre mythology out of my supposed behaviour in order to cope and make seem normal their own dysfunctions” is spot on. It’s a crazy-making time, no doubt about it.
I am sorry you have been going through this–it is heartbreaking and infuriating all at the same time. Hugs.
Oh, crazy making indeed! The thing is with delusional, history re-writers, is that you CANNOT win. You want to make them see the truth, but that way madness lies. I just accepted it and moved on. But there were several times, in the face of such strident and confident delusions that I would ask myself, “Holy God, IS IT ME?!” Then I would come to my senses. But I like this little reminder: http://pinterest.com/pin/283304632778894994/
Terra@TheSimplePoppy recently posted..Making, Building, Cleaning
Yep, that’s exactly the crazy-making I’m talking about. Sigh. You are, however, spot on with that “reminder”–I checked it out and burst out laughing. Thanks, Terra ;D
I am 4 years on from walking away from a desructive family relationship.
It was a 20 year process before arriving at this choice. It was not taken well by some family members they couldnt or wouldnt understand, and I stopped explaining after awhile and dont justify my reason to anyone anymore. I dont talk about.It was something I needed to do. My life has grown tenfold since that time it wasnt that action alone but it was a fearleaper to opening another life path that has been rewarding enriching and more fearless.
Thanks Meg I always enjoy your writings.
Hi Jennifer–”fearleaper” is a good word for the kind of action that is needed in situations like this. I only wish I’d had the ability to realize what was going on and what was needed decades ago. But what is done is done, and it’s better to figure out what fearleaper course I need to take at 56 than to live the rest of my life hemmed in by the fears. So glad that it has turned out for the best for you. It’s a hard thing to go through.
What an interesting post; I can really relate to this. The checklist of conditions was the story of my growing up, but then my parents died when I was in my early twenties. I often think that – awful as it was at the time – they did me a favour, as otherwise I’d have been dealing with this for years and years. Painful as it was to lose them, I don’t miss the emotional manipulation and blackmail. Unfortunately my brother has picked up where they left off, and doesn’t speak to me now because I failed to satisfy some requirement on the list that I’m not even aware of – I have little idea why he’s taken against me, and he’s not saying. This is par for the course in our family, where, if you upset my mother, she refused to tell you why and then made your life hell till you figured it out. Families…….I sometimes yearn to have family, but then I remember what the reality was like. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, and I have no answers, but I wish you strength and courage to do what you need to do.
Hi Gilly–isn’t it frustrating to have your character and worth judged by someone else’s random list? That’s the fear thing showing itself, because those lists form secure parameters for the people who need them, even as they create huge burdens for the ones who are expected to meet them. Thanks so much for sharing your experience, and I hope that you have or soon will have a sense of family with people who really know how to relate to you and others.
Wow, Meg, you’ve described my former marriage to a T. And even when the marriage ended, the patterns and dynamic didn’t end (because we share children who still need to be raised). In fact, the worst of it got worse–”The constant lashing out, expressions of disappointment, twisting of history, strange manifestations of self-pity, nursing of old wounds, obsession with superficial expressions of affection, and using minor shortcomings as reasons for cutting someone off…”
After trying everything I could think of to change the dynamic (with NO improvement), I simply accepted that I could not change him or his responses. I could only change me and mine. I determined healthy boundaries for me, based on who he really is, declared them, and then stuck to them. It meant letting go of the idea that we could have a different kind of relationship. It was hard, as the different one would have been so much better for my children.
But–amazingly–change did come when I stopped behaving in my old ways. It’s not the relationship I longed for, but it’s way more healthy than the one we had. I think the key was letting go of that one I wanted. All much easier to say than do, but I guess what I want to say is: It can be done. I’m sure it’s much harder with a parent than with a spouse, but I’m sure it can be done there, too. And it’s worth it: Letting go of that dream was like letting go of a huge weight. All kinds of things became much simpler. I think minimalism is an idea that can serve us as well in our relationships with people as in our relationships with things. Getting rid of things that don’t serve us allows in room for those that do.
Wishing you well on your journey–
Rita@thissortaoldlife.com recently posted..Getting kids on board with new foodFor anyone who’s had to make a big change in their diet
Hi Rita–that’s exactly what I am trying to figure out right now, what changes are needed in my own actions/reactions to deal with things as they are and to unclutter my head and heart. It’s a process we have to trust in. I’ve got a lot of meditating to do. Thanks for the support and affirming that it can get better!
Thank you for your heartfelt post. Another commenter alluded to this but if you haven’t read it, the “Dance of Anger”, it can be very hepful. It changed my life in helping me to step out of several tocic relationships by changing my responses to manipulative behaviors and language. I will use the leasons I learned in tbat book for the rest of my life. I am wishing you peace with your decisions…keep us posted and thank you again for sharing where you are on this journey.
Hi Barb–after writing this reply to your comment, I’m going down to the library to check out Dance of Anger. From its description on Amazon, it sounds like the sort of thing I would find useful, so thanks so much for suggesting it. All the anger and resentment from toxic relationships can make other relationships toxic that could otherwise be healthy, and that’s something that needs fixing around here, too.
Meg, thank you so much for your honesty in this post. I have been letting is stew in my brain since yesterday. I can completely relate, but from a different viewpoint. I used to be the one with a checklist in relationships. And my marriage almost ended last year partly due to that. What I’ve realized is that every person in a relationship comes with their own checklist and each person plays a role in how they treat the other and are treated. In the past year, I’ve done a lot to change my own reactions and behaviors with amazing effects. In turn, it is now leading my husband to changing his reactions and behaviors. If it gives you any hope, these types of relationships can change for the better as long as both people want to make it better. If all else fails, you can feel secure in bettering yourself whether it means staying in a relationship or detaching yourself from it. Good luck on your journey. I know how immensely hard it is to admit these things!
Hi Megyn–oh, yes it is hard to admit to controlling behaviors, maybe even harder than it is to realize one is one the receiving end of them. Either way, it is unsustainable. I wrote and scrapped three different posts before writing this one, which is unusual for me–proof that it is hard to wrap one’s mind around all the ramifications of such behavior and figuring out what to do about it.
I am also dealing with the ramifications of a destructive relationship with a narcissist (a parent). Over the last few years, through lots of therapy, I’ve been able to do a lot of healing and quit trying to live the life everyone else told me to live. I’ve quit trying to follow those scripts that they have in their heads but I was never given. I’ve quit trying to hit the marks that keep moving. I have been able to heal or let go of a few relationships, but this one is the toughest.
It’s worth it. Not just for me, but for my children.
Best wishes to you as you create your own path to freedom from crazy.
misssrobin recently posted..My Visit to the Psychiatrist
Hi Miss Robin–”Not just for me, but for my children.” That is, indeed, the key. Why pass on this kind of crazy-making behavior, to create another generation of destruction? I’m getting there, though, finding my own flavor of acceptance/independence. Thanks for the affirmation.
I physically left home when I was 18, and never really went back. But emotionally, I remained trapped for years by that darn checklist you so eloquently write about. And I have a younger sibling who never left, even though I’ve held the door open for a long time, hoping he’d break for the light. Four states of distance and a strong spouse have been the only things saving me from the destructive patterns you’ve mentioned, Meg. But every year or so I dive back into the drama and victim-thinking to say I love them. It’s made me ill and nearly sucked the spiritual life out of me, but gradually our roles have changed over the years. The more stuck they get, the more I embrace change (maybe a little too much). As age and illness take their toll, I try to listen with compassion, keep my boundaries and help when I can. It is all I can do at the moment, and I’m finding peace with that.
Meg, my heart goes out to you as I read this post. What you have put into words here took me years and years to realize. I believe you have already found clarity, for yourself and all of us. Thank you.
Tamara recently posted..ZZ Top Would Be Proud
Hi Tamara–the “strong husband” applies here, too!!!! He’s been great, very supportive but also hands-off enough to let me figure out things in my own way. We each need to deal with that checklist and crazy-making in the way that fits our nature. The trouble is that having that kind of environment from one’s early days onward makes it difficult to figure out just what your own nature is. But I’m getting there. So glad that this post resonates with you and so many others, even as I regret that so many of us have experienced this situation. I know that dealing with it, however, will go a long way toward being healthier, let alone happier.
What a complex and painful situation for everyone involved. I honestly don’t believe that anyone loves their misery. It may be all that they know and the negative patterns are etched so deeply in their brains that they almost have no recourse unless grace mysteriously descends.
I’m very sorry it’s been so difficult for you, your son, and your family members. My prayers are with you.
Sandra / Always Well Within recently posted..The Essence of True Power
Hi Sandra–Maybe love is the wrong word, but the kind of love of misery I’m talking about is clinging to it and being willing to go down with it, taking others with if at all possible. It’s a way of not having to deal effectively with change, and to the extent that one will attempt to control others from that position of weakness, stubbornness, and, well, misery. The level of defensiveness is always on red alert–they are going to protect their position no matter what it takes, even if it requires convincing themselves their rewritten history is the only true history. As you can see from the other comments, it is an unfortunate phenomenon, and a not particularly rare one.
Grace is indeed desperately needed–and this is from someone who is not especially spiritual, so we’re in extreme unction territory. I am meditating a lot and attempting to detach my own emotions from this situation, perhaps in the hopes that by letting go of the sense of dynamic involvement (via reasoning or arguing or reacting or even just taking it), I might be able to step back from the soul-sucking vortex and allow some kind of grace to find its way to me, through me, and then to my son, and then just maybe to everyone else involved.
ah. i love how you said that those in love with their misery are not aware of it – and yet they project it on others and make others miserable or accuse them of playng victim
those people i think we need to distance ourselves a little
Noch Noch
Noch Noch | be me. be natural. recently posted..if I could choose a normal life, would I?
I can definitely relate to this…Anyway, I really enjoyed reading your post here and we all know that change is constant…
AizaMarie recently posted..The Denial of Death